Jessie Alexander

 Yes. God is still here. Walking the woods around this time last year. Even when I don't feel like it, I've been praying and reading the Bible. God showed me His supernatural strength while trusting in Him. I'd never experienced miscarriage, and a chemical pregnancy was so mysterious and short term that I'm processing something quite challenging. In human terms, I'm pretty worn out from it, and doubting it at times. Was it anything but nature working itself out? A resounding no pounds in my chest, yet it's painful to reflect on. God makes it very clear that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), so this applies to all human life. In context, we are all made in the womb (Psalm 139:13). Sperm and egg. The whole nine yards. But what stands out in this verse is God made us. Not just the biological processes. That is a mystery to me. Yet to God, it's His design. He created, so it's His design in mind. My mind can't fathom His thoughts. That...

 I'm a natural doubter. I ask questions, am skeptical, and love to be forever learning. But lately a huge grief has swept over me and I'm asking a big question. God, when this really hurts down here on Earth, are You still there? Many famous atheists and scholars conclude that a loving god (lowercase on purpose) couldn't allow pain so they can't exist. That's exactly the belief I doubt most in my grief. I can't imagine living through pain without a purpose or plan that goes beyond me. I'm a highly sensitive person and pain management isn't my forte. January was beyond hard. Beyond painful. Mind numbingly abrupt and chaotic. I was pregnant for nearly the entire month and suddenly lost our baby.  I'm home with my forever baby Liam and can't imagine life without him. I hold him a lot more these days. He seems to sense something is wrong but I can't explain to him what is beyond me. I'm grabbing at every last piece of baby January that I can....