Jessie Alexander

 Yes. God is still here. Walking the woods around this time last year. Even when I don't feel like it, I've been praying and reading the Bible. God showed me His supernatural strength while trusting in Him. I'd never experienced miscarriage, and a chemical pregnancy was so mysterious and short term that I'm processing something quite challenging. In human terms, I'm pretty worn out from it, and doubting it at times. Was it anything but nature working itself out? A resounding no pounds in my chest, yet it's painful to reflect on. God makes it very clear that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), so this applies to all human life. In context, we are all made in the womb (Psalm 139:13). Sperm and egg. The whole nine yards. But what stands out in this verse is God made us. Not just the biological processes. That is a mystery to me. Yet to God, it's His design. He created, so it's His design in mind. My mind can't fathom His thoughts. That...

 I'm a natural doubter. I ask questions, am skeptical, and love to be forever learning. But lately a huge grief has swept over me and I'm asking a big question. God, when this really hurts down here on Earth, are You still there? Many famous atheists and scholars conclude that a loving god (lowercase on purpose) couldn't allow pain so they can't exist. That's exactly the belief I doubt most in my grief. I can't imagine living through pain without a purpose or plan that goes beyond me. I'm a highly sensitive person and pain management isn't my forte. January was beyond hard. Beyond painful. Mind numbingly abrupt and chaotic. I was pregnant for nearly the entire month and suddenly lost our baby.  I'm home with my forever baby Liam and can't imagine life without him. I hold him a lot more these days. He seems to sense something is wrong but I can't explain to him what is beyond me. I'm grabbing at every last piece of baby January that I can....

  Psalm 42[a][b] For the director of music. A maskil[c] of the Sons of Korah. 1 As the deer pants for streams of water,     so my soul pants for you, my God. 2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.     When can I go and meet with God? 3 My tears have been my food     day and night, while people say to me all day long,     “Where is your God?” 4 These things I remember     as I pour out my soul: how I used to go to the house of God     under the protection of the Mighty One[d] with shouts of joy and praise     among the festive throng. 5 Why, my soul, are you downcast?     Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God,     for I will yet praise him,     my Savior and my God. 6 My soul is downcast within me;     therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan,     the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar. 7 Deep calls to deep     in the r...

  December 25, 2023 I miss our cat, Mr. Bean. It's been a short time of about 3 weeks to grieve, so what I can share isn't worth a novel. There have been many touching moments I want to remember. Sharing them will help me heal bit by bit, even if it takes longer than I expected. Bean's death itself was unexpected and so we're all feeling it differently. I'm dealing with it by hanging onto his last few touched items and slowly letting them go when I'm ready - a shawl he slept on, a blanket from the crate he was carried in, and his brush. That's normal and I don't need to throw them away to let go, but just put them to rest. He was put to rest and now the aftermath is following suit, with lots more raw emotion without him here. A startling realization I had of Bean was almost right away after trying to clean the house. For the last week of his precious life, he was unable to control his bowels and we were constantly cleaning the floors. He went in every si...

 I haven't been writing in this blog much this year. I wanted to but was wrestling with God. I wanted it to be my way and not His. I wanted to share it all over social media whenever I posted, whenever I was taking a break from it, and, even at the start of this post, feeling the need to explain myself on it! This is my space. I want to invite you into it! I don't want my fear of rejection or judgment to cloud anything here. So, I'm setting off into the horizon and never looking back. What can you expect on the S.S. Jessie? Let's talk about that. One of my favorite things as a young girl was imagining life on a ship. So naturally, S.S. Jessie will be adventurous and carefree like I was. The ship I'm talking about is this lifelong writing journey... it's not just the blog here. See, I love writing. Journaling, storytelling, and notebook scribbles are a few pastimes I enjoy. Mainly I give myself a chance to organize my thoughts and release some feelings of control...

I know it may seem boring to go against the grain about New Year resolutions. Maybe not. I don't really know, myself, but here we are!  I see how it could be totally helpful to visualize your year in goal setting long-term. I just find my mind is on the daily grind, every hour, every minute. I think about my days. Not my weeks, months, quarters, or any amount of a year for that matter.  I'm not saying this is good, or right, or even pretty. Oh how nice. She's just living her life day to day. I often imagine people may find it hard to slow down to this pace of minutes and hours. But I'm not able to skip to weekly or monthly plans without LOTS of buffering in my mind. My mindset is usually:  How can I get through one day without a huge overwhelming feeling popping up? Whether it's anxiety, fear, rage (my last post touched on it) I just really find myself struggling at times. If I have to think of the next 7 days (one week!), how many feelings (as well as thought proce...