2 weeks later, is God still here?

 Yes.

God is still here.

Walking the woods around this time last year.

Even when I don't feel like it, I've been praying and reading the Bible. God showed me His supernatural strength while trusting in Him. I'd never experienced miscarriage, and a chemical pregnancy was so mysterious and short term that I'm processing something quite challenging.

In human terms, I'm pretty worn out from it, and doubting it at times. Was it anything but nature working itself out? A resounding no pounds in my chest, yet it's painful to reflect on.

God makes it very clear that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), so this applies to all human life. In context, we are all made in the womb (Psalm 139:13). Sperm and egg. The whole nine yards. But what stands out in this verse is God made us. Not just the biological processes. That is a mystery to me. Yet to God, it's His design. He created, so it's His design in mind. My mind can't fathom His thoughts. That's why I wrestle with why this little life was put in our lives.

Baby January has impacted me in many different ways. I snuggle Liam a little tighter. I loosen control on my life in small ways to surrender it to God. My life is not my own. Nor was Baby January's.

That's pretty stark.

I'm a sensitive person, and I'm not great with rules and black and white thinking. I want to be so badly, but maybe that's why I married a very logical, even tempered guy. I knew this sort of trial either glues us together as a couple or it might not, but I believe God ordained our union in order to endure.

In marriage, without enduring trials (like serious suffering, not bad service at a restaurant), I don't think it glorifies God in the best way. Sure, you can messy-your-way-through-it, but it'll glorify you much more than necessary. I've lived it. I know it from experience. I'm also confident there are examples in the Bible although I don't have the focus right now to find them.

This is all over the place, but I can't keep it all together. I haven't done much outside the house, I'm struggling with emotional eating, and my self-care is generally low. I know I need to ask for help more and that's why in prayer and ask for prayer from others. Some generous friends offered prayer and I accepted with open arms. 

I'm not doing great but I'm praying it's ok to not be ok. I'm giving thanks for small things even if it seems silly because those small things are so excellent right now. Dare I say they remind me of a small 1 month life I was blessed with, that no matter how small, was a blessing that keeps blessing me with hope of a God redeeming. He is.