When It Hurts, Is God Still There?

 I'm a natural doubter.

I ask questions, am skeptical, and love to be forever learning. But lately a huge grief has swept over me and I'm asking a big question.

God, when this really hurts down here on Earth, are You still there?

Many famous atheists and scholars conclude that a loving god (lowercase on purpose) couldn't allow pain so they can't exist.

That's exactly the belief I doubt most in my grief. I can't imagine living through pain without a purpose or plan that goes beyond me. I'm a highly sensitive person and pain management isn't my forte.

January was beyond hard. Beyond painful. Mind numbingly abrupt and chaotic. I was pregnant for nearly the entire month and suddenly lost our baby. 

I'm home with my forever baby Liam and can't imagine life without him. I hold him a lot more these days. He seems to sense something is wrong but I can't explain to him what is beyond me.

I'm grabbing at every last piece of baby January that I can. The positive test. The feelings of nausea, headaches, tenderness, and general excitement to get ready. Now I need to ask, for what?

Why, God? 

It's my nearly 4 decades long question I've asked since basically birth. Why?

I seek the Bible to see God created it all. I find my answers in the truth, not deception. That's part of the grieving, and not giving into lies that something's wrong with me or God's punishing me.

I feel the right thing to do is move on with love for our little baby, not taking for granted my breath or heartbeat 💓 honoring their life with living my life to the fullest. Every cup of tea and coffee, sunrise, snowy day and freshly baked goodie. Every feeling of giddy excitement, lowest lament, and wild boldness. Every moment of mundanity, careful decisions, and thoughtful preparation. I truly thank God for this complex, free ride I'm hitchhiking on.

May we take time to be thankful. Today I'm thankful for a period-sized person I've named baby January.

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