A Mighty Love

I love writing on a personal level but there are so many styles to pick from. I wrote two posts already and they were different styles too. What can I say? No, really. I'm finding my voice.

Communicating has been slow and steady in motherhood. Children move at such a slow pace compared to adults. Don't get me wrong - my son literally runs from thing to thing every day and I don't go to the gym. But girl!? I'm talking intentions. 

What motivates my son is so complex. I describe him as a teenager, just without all the verbage. He can put me back in an adolescent rage in minutes. Do I cave in? Not usually. But it's so triggering. I'm constantly tempted to overreact. I don't always. But it's so dang hard. I imagine that's similar to what's going through his sweet mind, too. More like: MAMA. Points aggressively at TV. Screams as I say no. Walks away and comes back with a sweet smile. 

Ups and downs. Waves. Not steady lines and staying within them. Not yet.

I think part of healing from our past means letting people see ups and downs you go through. Share both good, bad... even the ugly. Don't "wall" up unless they're evil Hitler, then board up! Rather a fence is best for the majority of people you allow in your circle. 

A fence has a gate. You are the gate keeper. You can see through to the other side and whatever is coming. It gives you peace. 

Walls have so many unknowns. Intimate details are left out. It can be strange and scary. The other people behind them have a power over you as you build suspicions and doubts. You are isolated.

Boundaries are a hot topic, it seems. Everyone in the mental health culture talks about it. But overusing them (or overconfidently) can damage. We are the ones hurt because we miss out on relationships. Of course that will hurt the loved ones in our lives, too. But to be clear - we do rigid boundaries because we believe it will help us, right? So the problem starts with us, our perception, and beliefs. It just flows from there.

What do we really hurt about? Why is this pain seemingly so out of control? We didn't sign up for it by merely existing. I know God doesn't intentionally hurt us for pleasure. 

But what if He allows pain for our discipline or correction? Because He loves us? 

I'm not talking about any sort of physical pain in this sense. I'm specifically talking about internal pain. Pick a type: spiritual, mental, emotional, psychological. Each category reflects onto physical, but weaves in and out. For example, stress causes headaches. And so on.

My focus is internal because I believe it's so often the source of our suffering. I find myself struggling to believe God isn't punishing me for my past. Or that He loves me. And unconditional love feels confusing. What hurts the most is every time He is loving, I doubt Him. I do double damage by not accepting Him fully.

I'm afraid. I'm anxious. Unsure. Indecisive. And sometimes apathy feels comfortable. But it's not. Why try when I can be indifferent?

Because I am worth it. People talk about self worth all the time. Guess what? They're right. We are worth A LOT. 

To Jesus, we are worth His life. He paid with His own blood. You may not like it, but He loved you that much. He laid down His very life... for the whole dang world. 

The world gets it wrong so much. They can't believe in a love that big or strong. They refuse to accept it. It's still true, whether they believe it or not. 

This is why I choose to find my voice. To bring people the Gospel. To proclaim the Lord's death until He comes. It's all true. It's the best thing to speak about, if we choose to speak at all.

It is the very definition of love. 

I hope God shows you this mighty love. He really is powerful enough.